I don’t like myself much when I’m not able to run

bwrunner1I haven’t run in three weeks, not a step.  I’ve been suffering from vertigo.  I’ve been dealing with that for over a year now, so I’m not really sure why it’s got me down lately.

In fact, I went to the doctor about it (finally!…I know, I know).  She gave me some meds and told me to up my vitamins, so…

The thing about the vertigo is that it comes on so randomly.  I can never predict when I’ll have an episode.  It only lasts for about ten seconds every time and I can feel it coming on, but it’s just so random.

When vertigo strikes, it comes out of nowhere.  I could never put my finger on what was causing it.  At first, I thought maybe I was dehydrated, so I drank plenty of water and it still happened.  Randomly.  Then I thought maybe I was just looking at my computer screen for too long, but that wasn’t it, either.  Maybe the new vitamins will work.  We’ll see.

I don’t like myself when I’m not able to run.  I think what happens when I stop running for too long is that I start drinking more.  I start drinking more and writing less.  I start drinking more, writing less, and feeling depressed.

That’s what happens when I stop running for too long.

I had been training pretty hard for the Philadelphia Marathon but had to withdrawal because of the vertigo and the lack of down-the-stretch training.  That hurt, having to withdrawal.  I felt like I wasn’t in control of my own body; I couldn’t tell it what to do like I’ve been able to do pretty much my entire life.

I’ve been on the vitamins for a few days now and I don’t feel much different, but I haven’t had another episode, so there’s that.

I’ll get back out there, maybe later today.  Will something bad happen?  Will I have an episode in the middle of a run and have trouble getting back home?  Maybe.  But if I don’t try, I won’t ever know.  What I do know is that I’ll drink too much, write too little and feel too depressed about things I know I can’t control.  I don’t like myself when I get like that.

I don’t like myself when I’m not able to run.

Author: Scott Langdon

Scott Langdon is an actor and writer living just outside of Philadelphia in Bristol, Pennsylvania with his wife, Sarah, and their dog, Watson. Before the Time of Covid, he could be seen on stages throughout the professional Philadelphia theater community or writing in a local Starbucks, where the only way they could get rid of him was to tell him there was a pandemic. He has a hard time knowing when he's not wanted.

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