“A Man and His Dog”

WATSON: How’s it going?

ME: It’s going great. I slept like a baby–

WATSON: Is that why you woke up every two hours to pee and cry yourself back to sleep?

ME: Ha. Ha. No, I slept really well, actually and then went for a terrific run this morning. Now, I’m going to cut the grass and enjoy listening to music that makes me happy while I’m doing it.

WATSON: That’s good. You need to take some time for yourself. Enjoy.

ME: Thanks, man.

(Pause)

WATSON: While you’re mowing the lawn, I’m going to take some time for myself. Then, when you’re done being by yourself, I’ll be done being by myself, and then we can spend the rest of the day being by ourselves together. How does that sound?

ME: It sounds perfect, my friend. Absolutely perfect.

_____________________

WATSON: Hey folks! Watson, here! Come see “ME” in South Pacific (the cast and crew are absolutely first rate!) through Aug 22nd. Here’s a link to half-price tickets!

“Dispatches from the Borough 2: A few more words and lot more pants”

WATSON: The grass was too high out there. I couldn’t get my usual hops.
ME: Your usual what?
WATSON: Hops. You, know, jumps. I couldn’t jump as high as I normally would, you know, because of the high grass and all.
ME: Is that why you were slower than usual, too?
WATSON: How dare you!
ME: Calm down, Cheetah. I’m kidding. You were tracking those fly balls down like your favorite player, Bryce Harper!
WATSON: I knew you’d come around to liking him.
ME: Oh, I’ve always liked him. I only hated him when he played for the Nationals. I loved him the moment he signed with us!
WATSON: Hey, that’s Philly for ya!

___________________

“A Man and His Dog”

WATSON: So, when I’m dead and gone, and you get another dog. I—
ME: Whoa! Come on!! You don’t just say something like that! What’s wrong with you?!
WATSON: No, no…just listen a second, okay? Just hear me out.
(Pause)
ME: Okay…go on.
WATSON: When you get another dog, you should name it Achilles.
ME: Really? Why?
WATSON: So that way, when you’re out for a walk, you can say, “Achilles, heel!”
ME: …seriously?
WATSON: Hehehe!
ME: Go lie down!
WATSON: Hahahahaha!!
————————

“Philadelphia: The Great Experiment – 1872-1899”

John Wanamaker, circa 1870

JOHN WANAMAKER!

(Boy, did I have fun taking him for a test drive! What an interesting life!)

This is from a series called, “Philadelphia: The Great Experiment”

The episode is titled, “The World Stage: 1872-1899” and I’m not going to give you a time-stamp because I’m kind of in this one a bit.


PRODUCER: We need someone who looks constipated all the time.
MY AGENT: Hold my beer…
ME:

(BTW, my lovely wife, Sarah Lynn Dewey, can be seen at the 18:49 mark in the July 4, 1876 scene. We were in the scene together but were shot in completely different locations and not on the same day! Ah, FILM!! 😂)

Watch the 30-minute episode here:

“Dispatches from the Borough: A few words on a miracle, while in the background, a dog pants”

WATSON: A Love story

ME: It’s not a…oh, yeah…I guess it is, isn’t it? Okay, roll the film.

WATSON: ROLL IT!!!

ME: You’ve been dying to say that, haven’t you?

WATSON: I absolutely have, yes.

(Pause)

ME: How’d it feel?

WATSON: It felt EXACTLY the way I dreamed it would!!

ME: Very nice!

(Pause)

ME: Wanna do it again?

WATSON: Yes, please!! ROLL IT!!!!

“A Man and His Dog”

April 14, 2021

The Dating Life of a Dog

ME: You coming in or what?

WATSON: Shhh!

ME: Why are you shushing me?

WATSON: Because I don’t want Bella to hear us talking. I don’t want to scare her away from coming back.

ME: Is Bella the new dog in the next yard?

WATSON: Yep! She said she was coming back.

(Pause)

WATSON: How do I make her want to come back?

ME: You can’t make her.

WATSON: What do I do?

ME: Well, you just have to try not to think about her. As soon as you stop thinking about her, that’s when she’ll appear.

WATSON: That’s crazy talk.

ME: Yeah, I don’t make the rules.

(Pause)

WATSON: Dating sucks.

ME: Sorry, mate.

“A Man and His Dog”

April,7 2021

Hi, I’m Steve!

ME: Well, hello there, Steve. Good morning!
(Pause)
STEVE: Can you see me?
ME: Of course I can see you, sweet girl. I’m looking right at you.
STEVE: But you didn’t hear me sneaking up, though, right?
ME: Actually, Watson heard you back there, behind the fence.
WATSON: Please, don’t bring me into this.
STEVE: Hi, Watson!!
WATSON: oh, boy.

Can we not?

ME: Watson, say hello to Steve.
WATSON: Hello, Steve.
STEVE: You said hello! I can’t wait to tell the girls! They’ll be so jealous!!
WATSON: Listen—
STEVE: We all think you’re just super great and so that’s why I told the other girls I was going to sneak up and steal a kiss because you never see me sneaking around and they all said they were all going to be so jealous.
WATSON: Actually, I always see—
STEVE: I’m sorry about your car. I saw on Instagram it got smashed by a tree limb.
ME: Thank you. It’s being fixed right now. Looks like it’s going to take a couple of weeks, though.
STEVE: I told the girls that it would be a shame if a tree branch fell on your car and you wouldn’t be able to go on your trip. Now, you can come over Watson! Since you’re going to be around, and all!
WATSON: Wait, what?
STEVE: I’m going to sneak away now and tell the girls! They’ll be so excited!! You won’t be able to see me, so I’ll say goodbye for now! Bye!
WATSON: Hold on…did you—
STEVE: I know you can’t see or hear me, now, but I love you!!
WATSON: I absolutely can see—
STEVE: Bye, Watson!!
(Pause)
WATSON: Can we go, please?
ME: The girls?
WATSON: There are no other girls. It’s just her.
ME: Well, she’s definitely into you, that’s for sure.
(Pause)
WATSON: I don’t understand the kittens, man. One minute they want to kiss you, the next minute they want to scratch your eyes out. I don’t get it.
ME: That is one of life’s great mysteries, for sure, buddy. I don’t know what to tell you.
WATSON: How do you handle Sarah?
ME: Ha! I don’t “handle” Sarah. I just try my best to love her better today than I did yesterday, and that’s pretty easy to do, to be honest.
WATSON: Yeah, she’s pretty great. I hope I can find—

STEVE: I wish you could see me and hear me, Watson. But I know you can’t.
WATSON: You haven’t moved, Steve. You’re still in the middle of the road! In the same spot! I can SEE YOU!!
(Pause)
STEVE: I think Watson loves me! Wait til I tell the girls!!
WATSON: I can also HEAR…You know what? I just…I need to lie down for a minute.
ME: You poor guy. Love does hurt.
WATSON: Shut up, Dude.
ME: Hahaha!

Hehehe!


___________

“A Man and His Dog”

March 24, 2021

Honestly…

WATSON: I can’t believe you just drank that in front of me.

ME: What do you mean? You just had your dinner.

WATSON: That’s not the point.

ME: I’m afraid you’ve lost me.

WATSON: The point IS, it’s rude to drink that in front of me.

ME: Maybe what’s RUDE is you staring at me every time I eat or drink anything. What do you think of that?

(Pause)

WATSON: I’ll take it under advisement.

ME: Appreciate that, thanks.

______________________

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Next Stop, Fear Street

Bristol, PA. – 2021

HATE HAS NO HOME HERE!

That’s what the yard sign said. (A little aggressive with the all caps, I thought, but point made.)

So, I had a few questions:

“Where does Hate live, exactly? I mean, if it doesn’t live with these folks, here—and I’m sure it mustn’t—where does it rest its weary head at night?”

“If Hate is around—I mean, when it comes around, you know—what’s Love doin? Sleepin or somethin?”

“Wait…Is Hate a noun or a verb? If it’s a noun, how come I can’t actually pin it down to something—to some *thing*?”

“Doesn’t it always seem like Hate is doing something? Something stupid?”

“What’s the opposite of Hate? Is it Love?”

Okay, hold on. First of all…

Hate is not the opposite of Love. Hate is Fear, trying to pass itself off as something it’s not.

It’s Fear, having a hissy fit, thinking it’s really something special and important.

It’s Fear, disguised as that feeling of lack that moved in one weekend years back and squatted in what started out as a one-room flat in the basement of someone’s heart, before beginning to annex rooms and then floors, as it got fatter and more comfortable bossing someone around.

It’s Fear in a big, puffy-shirt costume, showing up and saying, “Please refer to me as Hate, from now on. Oh, and I’m the boss of you.”

It’s Fear, dressed up to look like Hate walking around. But the puffy-shirt costume is really the Emperor’s clothes, and Fear is thinking no one can see the truth of it all, what its costume is really made of.

“WE CAN SEE YOU, FEAR! Hello! You’re not fooling anyone! We can see right through you! All day!”

“The Seagull” – Assateague State Park Summer 2021


Fear is like an actor who becomes this amazing character on stage. The audience loves the character and totally gets caught up in the drama. As a result, the actor gets the great feeling of being somebody during the two-hour performance.

But when the play is over and this actor goes out into regular life, he still stays in character, still plays the part.

On stage, when the actor lives as the character, that’s amazing. In real life, it just becomes weird and pretty sad, honestly.

“I mean, who do you think you are?”

Fear thinks it’s the most important character of all time, and everyone should experience the inevitability of having to play it.

But, Fear is wrong. Fear is nothing. It is no thing.

Hate is not the opposite of Love. There is no opposite of Love, because Love is never NOT present. (that’s right—a double negative! Fearless!)

Love never fails.

Not because of a “promise;” Promises get broken. Love isn’t a promise; Love is what is.

A great poet once said, “Love is love is love is love is love…”

He went on to say more, but it’s those words that get stuck playing over and over in my mind, like a skipping record that keeps playing the best bar of your favorite song again and again.

Love is, love is, love is, love is, love…

(The commas do something to it. The pauses…time for contemplation.)

Love is what is. Hate is not what is not. There is no not.

Hate is just Fear, acting out and performing badly.

It’s time to stop giving Fear the stage time. It’s never a good show.


Peace to you.